Number 28

Today I come to you from a sad and unhappy place.

I have talked lots about being a mum, about positivity, and I always try to keep a smile on my face but some days it's just too hard.

Michael my beautiful middle son is poorly, he has cerebral palsy, which I have told you all before. He appears to be deteriorating at the moment though, quicker than I have ever seen. His left side is weak, and his left leg is in constant pain.

He tries so hard everyday to keep moving despite the pain, he plays rugby, runs and swims every week. We know that we have to keep him active so that he doesn't loose the use of his limbs. That thought kills me.

Yesterday he had his swimming lesson as usual but was less keen to join in, he struggled to get out of the pool - he would normally pull himself up on the side but he couldn't do it, he had to use the ladders and that's not like him.

After rugby the last few weeks he is so tired once he's finished, it's as if he gives everything he has to join in, then as soon as the whistle goes he slumps and hobbles off the field.

He wants to start cricket this week, which is wonderful, and I will take him, but I just know that he will be in pain again afterwards which makes my heart hurt.

He is so strong and smiley, he seldom complains and is so helpful to everyone. All his friends in school love him, he's the joker in his class and keeps everyone including his teacher smiling.

You know when parents say that they don't mins what their unborn little ones are like, as long as they are healthy? Well strike that, as long as they are happy it will see you through the tough times, their smiles are worth all the money in the world!

Even though everyday sends a new load of challenges you have to keep going, easier said than done some days, but check out your little ones smile and you'll be able to find the strength I'm sure!

Frustratingly, we have had to change consultants which feels like having fought for three years to get a diagnosis we have gone back to the beginning, and this is not helped by the fact that I can't get in touch with this new doctor and his secretary won't call me back! I am also super nervous as the last appointment we has with the orthopedic pediatric consultant who was very unhelpful - he asked Michael to walk in a straight line, which he did as he can force his leg to walk straight, so instead of seeing his natural walk he saw that, and then said that there is nothing wrong with him! Argh!!

Anyway I will leave you now and go and give my boy a big hug and play zombies with him for a bit :) sure to cheer me up and will definitely keep that gorgeous smile on his face!!

xxx